Best Served Cold
by trainlindz
Summary: Sirius' new hobby is threatening to expose Remus and Tonks' secret romance, unless they take evasive action. Takes place during OotP.


_Originally written for the Metamorfic Moon 'Beatle and the Bard' challenge on Livejournal using the prompts weapon and the lyrics to Can't Buy Me Love._

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Remus woke up to see a thick envelope lying beside him on the bed and his lips curled subconsciously up at the corners as he reached for it. He first pulled out a note, thinking it was from Tonks, but the smile fell from his face when he saw the words.

'_I know_'.

He and Tonks had been quietly seeing each other for the past few weeks, trying to keep it discreet from the Order. He had thought that they had been doing a fairly good job of it, aside from the ever watchful eye of Moody – until now. The letter was definitely not in Tonks' writing. Remus could identify the script of Sirius Black anywhere and what was more, he knew about whatever it was between Tonks and himself.

Remus snorted at the thought. He didn't even know what to call this thing with Tonks, and to judge by his note, neither did Sirius. Or maybe he just preferred to be mysterious.

Clutching the envelope in one hand, and the note in the other, Remus got himself out of the bed to and stood in front of the window, overlooking the street below, watching the few people on the street pass by. Of course Sirius knew about Tonks. He should have known better than to try and hide this from Sirius. Even if they hadn't been close friends since their Hogwarts days, from someone in Sirius' position it would have been impossible not to notice. Remus was the only other person living full time in Grimmauld Place, and despite trying to hide the relationship, there was only so much someone could do to hide the status from their housemate. Especially when said housemate was a colleague of the girl he was pretending not to date. It was even harder when the colleague is also a family member. In hindsight, Remus was slightly surprised that it had taken Sirius this long to figure it out. Or at least to mention it. Or write a note like a 12 year old girl about it.

Remus started to crumple the envelope in his hand to toss it in the bin, but he could feel a stiffer piece of parchment still inside. As he pulled it free, Remus had felt his stomach collapse upon itself.

_That bastard_.

Sirius had enclosed a picture. After months of dwindling sources of entertainment Sirius had taken up a new hobby, bringing Remus to his present nightmare. Now, he had the new whim of photography. Wizarding photography. Merlin be damned, it was moving, hidden camera, naked, wizarding photography. Sirius had always been a bit of a voyeur, and his stint in Azkaban had apparently done nothing to stunt that thrill. The photo-Tonks turned her head and gave him a wicked smile, making Remus' previously fallen stomach flutter momentarily until he remembered the source of the picture.

Although he had intended to take things rather slowly with Tonks, his body and hormones had another thought in mind. It may have only been a couple of weeks but everything had seemed to get very physical very quickly – too quickly, perhaps, but Remus was thrilled with the way it was going. They may have been a couple for a very short period of time, but they had been close friends for months. An instant kinship that grew into the best thing that Remus had found in, well, ever.

Examining the picture, it came to no shock to him that it had been taken in his very room, two nights before. It had been a rather amazing night. Amazing, but private. No matter how bored Sirius was, this was crossing some sort of line drawn amongst friends. Sirius had been saying for months that Remus needed to get a girlfriend so that he could live vicariously through him. He had sneakily gotten his wish. An even more worrisome thought presented itself: _How many of these pictures could he possibly have?_

Continuing to look out the window, Remus was suddenly very jealous of everyone who wasn't him at the moment. As if dealing with Death Eaters, the stigmatism of being a werewolf, and unemployment wasn't enough, Remus now found himself dealing with the meddlesomeness of his housemate with too much time on his hands.

The thought of bribing Sirius briefly passed through Remus' mind. Even if Sirius had been a free man to spend his earnings, Remus didn't have enough money to pay him off successfully. He considered offering Sirius a trip outside of Grimmauld Place, but he knew that once the novelty had worn off and he was cooped back up inside, there would be nothing to keep him quiet.

Only one viable option was left.

_I'm going to have to kill Sirius Black._

_--_

For the past hour, Remus and Tonks had been sitting in the dark kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, with their heads together in attempt to try and stop the common foe; what to do with Sirius and his itchy shutter finger.

"We could always just use some sort of muggle contraption to stop him. They've got other things besides wands. He wouldn't suspect that." Tonks had initially taken Sirius' discovery much better than Remus had, simply laughing it off until Remus pointed out that Sirius' schemes tended to escalate rather quickly. They only had a matter of time before a blown up version was mounted in the front hall across from Mrs. Black with a permanent sticking charm. The image of Professor McGonagall walking into the entrance made her change her mind in a hurry.

"I think we need something along the line of restraints rather than muggle weaponry," Remus grinned. "I'm sure most of the Order would be opposed to actually killing one of its members. We need him. Although at this moment, I'm not entirely certain what the reason for that would possibly be." It was true. Regardless of what Remus had been thinking earlier that morning, it would be overdoing it to kill Sirius. That and he wasn't entirely sure he could handle the mess.

"Whatever we do, I don't think that we need to buy any materials. I've always found that the best revenge is always the most creative, and it takes more to be creative without backing funds. Besides, we can always conjure anything we need. That way, we can always just vanish the evidence. No harm, no foul." added Tonks. Remus was about to open his mouth to argue when the door leading into the kitchen gave a ceremonious squeak and none other but the soon-to-be-not-really-dead-but-he-better-not-push-his-luck outlaw known as Sirius Black, who's eyes lit up as he realised who he had walked in on.

"Wasn't interrupting anything, was I?" Sirius walked around the table and started rummaging through the cupboards, seemingly looking for some sort of snack. "Anything I can get you two while I'm here? Cauldron Cake? Pumpkin Pasty? _Kountess Karamel's Karma Sutra Stupefying Secrets_? Butterbeer?" Sirius turned back towards them and grinned at Remus. _Git_.

"Because that is highly appropriate reading material to keep in the kitchen. I shudder to think about what Kreacher would do if he got his hands on something of that nature."

"I've heard that it's helpful for a young Casanova. Not that I know from experience." Sirius winked at Tonks, "I never needed assistance." He proceeded to pull a package of Cauldron Cakes out and began wrestling with the wrapping.

"Yeah, I'm sure whatever you do with your hand just comes naturally." Tonks shot back.

Whatever Sirius had been intending to say next was stopped abruptly in its tracks, and his jaw dropped promptly to the floor. The package that he had been trying to open was slowly placed back onto the stone countertop. Remus was attempting to contain his smirk, but when it was suddenly mirrored on Sirus' face as he recovered, he knew he had failed.

"Touché, cousin." Sirius reached into the packet and picked up a Cauldron Cake, "You know, I guess that it all comes down to me being jealous. I haven't been with a bird in years," shoving the cake into his mouth he continued, "Doesn't mean that I'll keep my big mouth closed though." He smiled at them, which he must have thought was impressively, with the cake smeared across his teeth and stalked out of the room.

Remus shook his head at his old friends departing back and looked at Tonks, who had a growing look of victory on her face.

"I may have just thought of something."

--

Remus was sitting in a pile of dust at the top of the stairs, waiting for Sirius to come up to his room. Tonks' plan was ingenious, but it still made him anxious, particularly in this before stage. Waiting had always been the worst part of pranks for Remus. It was the time of doubt and most likely when he would back out of an idea, although this was one of those pranks that were already set in motion and there really wasn't anything he could do to stop it now. All he could do was wait, and it was maddening.

His ears perked up as he heard Sirius' feet rumbling up the stairs. The waiting was over, the time was nigh.

Sirius stopped mid-stride up the stairs when he saw Remus, "Moony? What are you doing sitting up here by yourself on the landing?"

"Sirius, I was thinking about something that you said yesterday in the kitchen."

"Was it the part about you being in need of a sexual intervention?"

"Partially, but it's more about you. I realised yesterday that it must be about 14 years since you've had… relations with a woman, which is completely unacceptable, and I'm not quite sure how you've done it."

"I've really suffered, haven't I?"

"You are a true casualty of war. Anyways, I've gotten you an early birthday present. I had to convince Dumbledore that she's a potential new Order recruit to get her in the door, which took a lot of doing, but you've got a… new friend waiting in there for you." Remus reddened at his words, not because he was lying, but because it was the truth, which was sometimes more traumatising.

Sirius stood still on the landing, eyes flicking between his door and Remus' face, as if he was unable to make up his mind. He reached up and ran his hand through his hair, and came to the inevitable decision. He grinned at Remus, turned the door handle and walked it.

Remus exhaled a deep breath and stood still momentarily. This was it. Revenge was in full swing. Remus lifted a painting off the wall next to Sirius' door to uncover a peephole looking into the room, which he had found earlier that day, evidently left over from Sirius mother spying on her rebellious son. As he edged closer he had to do everything in his power to quiet his sniggers. _Who's being the snoop now?_

Sirius and the woman were sitting on the bed talking to one another. The woman was tall, leggy and blonde, dressed in head to toe in black leather with her thigh high stiletto boots, a very inappropriate length skirt, and her corseted top.

The woman rubbed her hands together lightly and licked her lips, "I've heard that you've been very naughty, Sirius." Remus could see Sirius swallow deeply. "I guess you could say that I've always been a little bit of a bad boy."

"Well, you do know that bad boys need to be punished, don't you?" she purred. Sirius nodded gravely at her words, putting on a good show of almost being remorseful. He looked up at her with big sad eyes, "I guess I deserve what's coming to me. What are you going to do?"

"Climb up on the bed." Sirius didn't hesitate at her words and he scrambled up to the pillow and lay down. The girl stood and walked around the bedside slowly. As she approached the head of the bed, she reached down into a bag lying open and pulled out something metallic. Remus heard two quick clicks. Sirius' head jerked up to the left, and then smiled back at the girl. He had been handcuffed to the wall. Seconds later, the girl had climbed over him, and his right hand joined his left in immobilisation.

"Now, if I was to have my way with you, how long do you think it would be until someone realised we were up here?" The woman's voice dropped lower and became breathless. "How long would we have? Would you be _missed_?" her hand went to her wand, and she vanished his clothing. Satisfied with her work, she traced her fingers up and down his arm. "I may have to take hours to deal with the likes of you."

In his newly naked state, Sirius blurted out, "Days, love. Remus knows you are here, but the next gathering isn't for just about a week, no one else would be popping in. We are alone."

"Wonderful." She stood up and took a few vacillating steps away from the bed. "Shall we begin?" Sirius nodded, staring at the woman with eyes that looked like they were about to pop out of his skull. "Let me do just one thing first." The woman shut her eyes and concentrated while waving her wand at her clothes and suddenly the leather clad seductive temptress was transformed in to a shorter girl wearing jeans and a t shirt. With pink hair.

Remus took his cue, and opened the door, camera in hand, snapping a shot of Sirius' state on the bed. Naked, chained, and completely bewildered.

"You… you…"

Remus waved the camera, "You really shouldn't just leave your camera lying around, Padfoot. Anyone could end up using it." Quickly adding more shots to the collection.

"We'll see you in a couple days, Sirius. Don't worry, we'll send Kreacher up with some food."

Remus and Tonks' hands found each other and they walked out of the room, Sirius calling after them, spreading strings of unconnectable profanity at them. Tonks looked back behind them and blew Sirius a kiss. Shutting the door behind them, Remus muttered, "That could get bothersome after awhile," and he pulled out his wand and placed a strong _silencio_ on the room, deafening the hall, "Much better."

Shooting him a small smile, Tonks said, "It looks like we are going to have some quiet time to ourselves for a little while."

Remus lowered his head and kissed Tonks softly on the forehead and whispered in her ear. "You were right. There are just some things that money can't buy."

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Thanks for reading! Reviewing is always nice ;)


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